When I was younger I was afraid of a lot of things. Let's face it, there are a lot of things to fear in this world. As a child my biggest fear was something happening to my parents. As an adolescent I was terrified of being abducted. I know, kind of weird, but it was a real concern for me. Later my biggest fear was being buried alive (I watched too much t.v.). There are any number of things to fear and I think everyone is afraid of something.
But, I don't think a person knows real fear until he or she has a child. The moment you hold that little person that you created, that you are responsible for, this tiny baby who is completely dependent on you - that is when you feel it. You love your child in a way that is unparalleled to other love. You immediately are aware of all of the ways this baby can be hurt and it is terrifying. Nothing that happens to you is as scary as something happening to your child. I believe that is why so many of us are captivated by your story. You are the embodiment of our biggest fears. We watch with bated breath to see how and if you are coping with something that is beyond the scope of understanding for the human heart.
I realize the world has no shortage of those who are suffering. I know there are places in this world where unspeakable atrocities against humanity are a matter of daily occurrence. I know there is violence, and hatred, and evil, and danger everywhere we look. So why has your tragedy taken root in my heart? I guess because while many of the terrible things that happen around the world cause me great sorrow, it is hard to relate to them on a personal level. Your story hits very close to home. I have three kids, a nice home in suburbia, we burn wood everyday in the cold months. I can relate to this. This could be me.
Tragedies occur everyday. We hear of them and say our prayers, shake our heads, think "how awful?" But your story is different. The "perfect storm" of tragedies: to lose your children, Madonna - your parents as well, on Christmas Eve, and in such a manner - the details of which need no recounting. To have everything that matters taken so quickly. Madonna, to be unable to help despite Herculean effort or Matt, to not be there when the event occurred. The point is, I look at you both and see not just one of my greatest fears reflected in your eyes, but all of my greatest fears - every one of them happening simultaneously and it is frightening.
We live in a world, in a time when we are used to being able to fix things and fix them fast. But there is no "fixing" this and certainly nothing fast about the healing process. Those who surround you can try to slow your hemorrhaging hearts, they can stand by you every step of the way until the bleeding stops, until the wounds begin to heal, until all you have are your scars, but the scars will not go away. They will always be with you to remind you of your suffering and I think there is some good in that. The scars will remind you that pain of that magnitude is a product of love that is even stronger. The scars can help you remember all that love. The only things worth having are the things that hurt so much to lose...the losses (temporary though they are) that leave scars on our hearts.
Our fears are born because of two reasons: either its the pain/danger potentially associated with the act or we value something and don't want it taken - our lives, our things, our loved ones. So what does a person do when the biggest fear in her life is that she no longer fears anything? When you lose everything, when you have experienced the greatest of all pains, when surviving the unimaginable becomes the biggest curse - what does a person do when he feels nothing else matters? Well we are all waiting and watching. I am hoping there are those able to show you both in time that there are still things that matter. Spreading that Love that is the legacy of your children matters. Living fully until the day you can hold them again matters. Surviving matters. It matters to me - a stranger who has seen her greatest fears come to life in your experience; it matters because if this can happen to anyone - if this can happen to me - I want to believe a person can survive it. You matter to me.
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