Sometimes a small, insignificant event causes the ripples that can change the world. But sometimes it is the other way around. Sometimes it is a monumental, cataclysmic event that causes seemingly small ripples which eventually change the world. We are not omniscient beings so we have no way of knowing how waiting for the next elevator could change not only our own life, but potentially that of many others as well. A missed plane, an unsolicited, but much-needed hug or compliment, a right turn instead of a left turn, maybe even the shoes we choose to wear that morning. A cause and effect chain is set into place and we have no idea where it will end or whether the outcome will be positive or negative.
So while it is a tired phrase repeated in times of great sorrow, "everything happens for a reason" is a true story I think. I read once that the hardest part of that phrase is waiting for the reason to appear. A good friend lost four family members in a plane crash 9 years ago - her mother, sister, brother and brother-in-law. This tragic accident occurred before I knew her. But on the 9 year anniversary she shared a story about her journey. After the crash she lost many of her close friends. They did not know how to be around her. She gradually found a new circle of friends and met her husband in that group. He too had lost a brother and his father early in life. They have two beautiful children now and she knows she is where she is supposed to be in life though it is not the destination she had in mind when she began. The losses still hurt, but she is happy. She believes that had things happened differently, she would not have met her husband.
I'm sure many on this page can offer similar stories of ways - both small and large - that you have impacted their lives already. But since I can only speak for myself, that is what I will do.
I was raised Catholic. I believed strongly in my faith through my youth and even through my teens. I can't say I ever stopped believing, though I slowly began to question things quite seriously. The concepts of an eternal life, God, heaven, a higher purpose or plan - these are all very intangible and easy to discount in a world where tangible proof is everything. Faith is hard; by definition it is the act of believing without proof. Its not so much that I ever stopped believing as much as I started doubting. What if this is it? What if there is no heaven? No greater purpose? I have wrestled with these thoughts the past few years.
In early December a friend lost her 3 month old son very suddenly. My son was 5 months at the time and I was touched incredibly by her loss. She and her husband have a very strong faith and belong to a strong Christian community. So, naturally through the weeks that followed his passing, I saw firsthand that powerful faith in action. She is surviving and is unwavering in her trust in God. I was encouraged by her words of hope after his death as well as by the words of her husband, who as his son was nestled softly in his mother's arms taking his final breaths told him: "it's ok to let go and go with God." I envied their faith and began to examine what I was lacking. How could they not be angry? How could they be so sure that God had their son?
Just as I was beginning to feel happiness again after all the sadness I felt for my friend, I heard of your unthinkable story. Like many out there, you have not left my mind or heart since Christmas day. I doubt you ever will. Some out there may think that is a silly thing for me to say. They may think "In another month or two you will have moved on with your life, away from the immediacy of this tragedy and Madonna will be just another stranger as she always has been." I disagree. I don't think you spend 30 days (and counting) deeply grieving for people you have never met without being changed forever by the experience.
Initially, I was consumed by your story and still very broken from my friend's loss. It seemed religion was always on my mind. What God could do this? Are these babies happy and safe in heaven, waiting for their parents? I believed, but more because the alternative was too grim than because I was actually convinced. I decided to be more proactive regarding my faith and the questions I have instead of allowing the arguments of logistics, proof and probability to continue to control me. So as any person seeking answers might do, I read. A lot. This is not a sermon. Religion is a very personal matter and I'm not here to tell you to believe or not to believe. But in my personal quest for knowledge following these devastating losses, I have begun to reaffirm my faith. I don't think something like this can happen without there being the hand of a higher power at play. It is too tragic to just be an accident. I understand thats easier to say than to accept. It's one thing for me to turn raindrops into diamonds, to spout and believe the rhetoric that "there is a reason for your suffering." I am certain it would be another matter entirely were I in your shoes. I would be broken and angry and bitter. I would curse life, I would curse God, I would doubt there is a God who could put one of His children through such suffering. I think that is how you should feel. I think that is expected. Nobody expects you to stand up and say "I will carry on and be strong, God has a bigger plan for me." It is not your job to be magnanimous. It is not your job to be strong and to believe.
Your job is to fall apart. To cry. To be angry. Let it out. Writhe on the floor in agony. Bang your fists on the wall. You (I hope) have people who will surround you until time gives you some relief, some comfort, some perspective. I get that you want to give up. Who wouldn't? It's not your job to WANT to go on. It's your job just to let loved ones surround you every second of every day - let them care for your every need, let them cry with you - until you CAN go on.
So here is my little ripple. In all of my reading I stumbled across this book called "Heaven is for Real". I had heard about it, discounted it and forgot about it. Several people have recommended it to you on this page so I read it along with many other articles and books. I'm not sure what to think of the book in it's entirety, but it has given me hope. Indirectly, your story has helped me find my faith again - odd as that sounds. I'm never going to be openly vocal about my faith. It's not me. But I have made it more of a priority in our family. I have three small kids who up until now aside from dragging them to my (to be polite)not-so-child-friendly Catholic service every week or so I have spent very little time fostering religion in their little lives. I was raising them (or trying) to be good people. But now we pray. We pray for a multitude of things including the Badgers and Johnson's. I have found some child-friendly Bible stories. We talk about God and heaven, but more importantly we talk about being a good person, loving others, treating others as we want to be and so on. Before I would tell them "don't do that it's not nice." now we talk about why it isn't nice. Not exactly history-changing stuff here you may think. But just what if this small change I made in my parenting because of you ends up making a big impact on who my kids turn out to be? What if instead of growing up to be selfish or apathetic they now grow up to be caring and selfless people who do change the world? What if they now will have a stronger moral compass? Who knows? They may have grown to be good people (or bad people) regardless. Maybe religion won't make a difference at all for them one way or the other. The point is that it could make a difference. Is it a stretch? Maybe, but tiny insignificant ripples turn into tidal waves every day. I would imagine some small ripple started by you and your girls and your parents is already changing this world as I write. As for my ripple: you made me a better parent.
I find myself doing the "before and after thing". My husband said something about the family reunion this past August and I thought "the Badgers and Johnson's were still so happy then, they had no clue how their lives would be altered." I think of your girls playing, hair shining in the summer sun. It is so hard to leave the past in the past. There is so much to remind you I'm sure, everywhere you look. Just breath. Just keep breathing. Let your friends and loved ones carry you. We "strangers" will keep praying. We will keep hoping. You do not have to put on a brave face and show the world you are surviving. You do not have to accept this with courage and strength. You do not have to go out and change the world to bring meaning and good from this tragedy, I believe THAT is already happening. People are paying it forward, doing acts of kindness, service in the name of love - in the name of Lily, Sarah and Grace. All you have to do is survive. Even though it must be the most excruciating thing for you to do, just breathe.
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