Supporting Matt and Madonna Badger

I check the "Support Madonna Badger" facebook page everyday; sometimes several times a day. I read the posts and it's as if my heart breaks all over again. I go about my life, but on some level I am always thinking of Madonna. When I have a moment or two to myself I try to imagine what her day is like. I try to imagine standing in her shoes, but I never last that long. It hurts so much.

(This was going to be my latest post, but felt it was too long)

What strikes me as most painful - though i don't presume to know - is the silence. Not the quiet - parents all know moments of quiet when the kids are playing or sleeping or watching a movie. It's the silence that I think must be devastating. I lay down at night and though its quiet, I can hear - i can feel - my children sleeping. It's when they aren't there that I get a glimpse of the silence. I now have little panic attacks if my kids are sleeping away at someone's house or out with my husband. The silence. The absence of a heartbeat other than mine on those nights makes me think of you and it tears me apart. 

Our kids are a part of us; to lose one let alone all of them must make you feel as though half of yourself is missing. And to lose your parents too. You must have surreal moments where you wonder if you yourself have disappeared after losing the people who mattered most to you, who defined you. But you have not disappeared. For so many strangers and loved ones you are the real, living embodiment of uncommon strength and the walking definition of love. You are real and ached for. We may not see you physically, but we see you when we close our eyes, we see your pain and would carry it, we would carry you down this dark path - if only for a few steps - if we could. I know when you heal you will do magnificent things to keep Lily, Sarah, Grace, Lomer and Pauline all alive. I turn my eyes to the future for comfort because I believe if anyone can bring anything good from this, you and Matthew will. I say your name over and over again throughout the day. I don't know why, I just do, "Madonna Badger." I say all of your names: Madonna, Matthew, Lily, Sarah, Grace, Lomer and Pauline. My mind just repeats them. I believe ultimately the Badger/Johnson name will be associated with positive change and your story, your life, will be the impetus for wondrous acts of love and kindness. You, your family, your words, your children and parents have all changed the world and will continue to do so.

I look at the pictures that have been circulated of three smiling, beautiful, happy girls and grandparents. It's hard to reconcile those pictures with the heart wrenching photos of that night and after. My 2 year old wanted me to read a book the other night and chose a book about Christmas eve. It brought tears to my eyes. I wonder if I - a complete stranger - will ever feel again the pure joy I always associated with Christmas; the excitement linked with Christmas eve. I can't help but think of your family now and know it was the worst night imaginable for all of you. When I think of that night...those terrible hours, I just cry for you all.

I doubt Madonna and Matt are reading this, but I know I draw solace from reading the posts of other concerned people so I continue to post how I feel in the hope that as strangers our words comfort each other. For Madonna and Matt I hope our collective positive energy, support and prayers from around the world creates a sphere of love that envelops them - I hope they know this page exists and if nothing else I hope it let's them know that in the hearts of all these strangers they are remembered, their girls are remembered and Lomer and Pauline are remembered too.