I was flying home tonight from Phoenix and we had a brief layover in Newark. As we gently glided in to land, the city loomed out the window to my left. I looked at the sea of buildings, cars, and people: life buzzing wildly about. I thought of you, somewhere down there, a woman whose world has stopped turning even as life goes on outside your window. I thought how cruel it is to you. It adds insult to injury that after losing all that matters in your life, the world asks you to keep living, we ask you to keep breathing, the world keeps spinning.
My four year old daughter came in my room as I was packing last week and asked what I was doing. I told her daddy and I were going away and she was going to Grammy's but we would see each other after "four sleeps".
"Who will make sure I get to school?" she asked.
"I will," I answered.
"Who will make sure I get to dance class?"
"Me," was my reply.
"Who will make sure nobody messes up my dolls while I am at Grammy's?"
"I will, of course."
She began to walk away, but obviously unsatisfied, turned back and asked,
"How can you do all those things if you are away?"
Without thinking much about the answer I quickly replied,
"Its just what I do, it's my job to take care of you no matter where you are and no matter where I am."
I thought about that conversation a lot on my long flight and with all my quiet time, I also thought of you. I don't think I fully realized the commitment I was making when I decided to have children. I was excited of course, we planned, prepped, doted, nested and so on. I just don't think I "got it" until I "felt it". That love we have for our kids, it's so intense, and with such intense love comes the risk of such intense pain. Motherhood is more than a life-long job, it is really an eternal job. We sign an unspoken contract the moment we decide to bring a life into the world; we agree to love, guide and help our children shine forever, eternally. It can be the most rewarding job we will ever have, but it is grueling, difficult, and can be down right heart-wrenching work. We can't be fired and we can't quit even when we want to. The job description changes over time but it is always our job - in this world and the next - to love forever. Joyous and fun sometimes, thankless and painful other times. Then there are those rare occasions - after enduring loss as you have - when this job can tear a mother apart then expect her to continue to live and love through unspeakable grief, waiting for answers that may never fully come.
Your's is not my tragedy, though my heart has adopted it. I can't begin to imagine how you feel. I don't pretend to think words help. It's just all I can do - think and write. In good faith we supporters send you prayers and hope for a future where there is some kind of peace and happiness again. I honestly don't know if you will find that, but I hope with every fiber of my being that you will. What I do believe is that you still have work to do. There is an ending to this story, but this is not it. It can't be it. You have to spread the light they left here. I realize how much it is to ask you to survive when every day, every hour, every minute, every second is excruciating. It is devastating to be the one left behind but I just think there are too many people who love you for there to be anymore people left behind. There has been too much sadness and loss for there to be anymore as a result of that tragic night. I know it will take ungodly strength to get through, but I believe if you can get there you will be rewarded - here or in the hereafter. (or both)
You suffer greatly and what's worse is that so many are watching you suffer. Some are eager to help but unable to, some are judgmental and harsh. Being the center of attention must add to your strife - accosted on one side by ignorant people who seek to further wound you with their words, smothered by love and praise on the other side by those who are so filled with empathy, sympathy, and sadness. And right in the middle you exist in some kind of limbo, laden with grief, uncertain of what your future is or if there even is a future at all.
You are broken. Your heart and soul are broken. You have been shattered into a million pieces and the work of putting all those pieces back together may seem impossible. It will take the help of everyone you know. One fragment at a time. One hour at a time. One breath at a time. Then some day when all those pieces are back in place, held together with nothing more than love, the world will see there is beauty in being broken. Because when your heart and soul are filled with cracks and holes there is a brilliant light that is able to shine through every part of you. ~***Light***~ I beg you to hang on through the darkness and let your story end with light.
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